Isis

As I age...

2009-08-26T20:59:00.000-07:00

I am growing increasingly aware of my surroundings as a human. Hu-man. (It begins to sound strange if you repeat it enough times). Yes. I am odd. Something else about myself that I've noted as I've grown.

Life, for as complex as general society makes it out to be, is actually very simplistic in nature (as those who have been enlightened well know). Our point is to just live. Not just humans, but every other species that inhabits this planet. For some living means survival; for others, it simply means reaching their philosophical peak. Regardless, how inherently simple is that? Do what you want. If you have to fight to do that, make that your point, or rather "what you want".

I used to think we all had some pre-destined purpose for even exisisting. During the past few years observing the populus that surrounds me, I've found that to be a gross impossibility. We aren't pre-destined to do shit. Pardon my bluntless, as I am having difficulty coming to terms with this new realization. I mean, I've spent the majority of my life relishing the fact that I may be destined to save the world someday.

What I overlooked most of my life, was that if destiny/fate, etc. were indeed what determined our lives on this planet- then I could just as easily be pre-destined to become a serial killer, child abuser, or the worst person who ever existed. I would have no choice, as it would be my destiny. I suppose there is something pretty damn comforting in knowing that I have a choice now.

With this new philosophical outlook on life, I am slowly (very slowly) moving towards the understanding that I have full control of who I am, and what I will become. I can be that "superhero", and I can prevent the ghastly future of me becoming the worst person to ever exist. I suppose I should just embrace full control, and not continue to let it intimidate me and overrun my life.

In search of...

2008-05-29T16:59:00.000-07:00

better local friends.

I have been biting my tongue for months now.

Kinda. Something was said, but ignored. Hopefully this time will be more successful.
My local friends suck (well atleast a damn good majority). You know who you are. Those of you who can disregard this blog should also know who you are.
How sad is it that friends of mine who live 100's to 1,000's of miles away are far more sufficient at being my friends than those who live less than 20 minutes away? I'll tell you how sad.... pathetically sad.
Yes, I may be primarily a homebody, and no- I am not at the clubs every night, but since when does that constitute a friendship anyway? We should be able to hang whenever, and where ever.
I hate being whiney, but damn- I feel low. These past few weeks have proven to me that although I was born and raised in Las Vegas, I have almost no friends here. I'm not that demanding of a friend, and one of the few times I ask for something only 2 of you can come through?
The few of you who do live locally and have been there for me as well as those of you who I love but live afar, don't pay any attention to this.
The rest of you- thanks for showing me where I stand.

After this I am done ranting about this topic. Just don't expect anything from me.

wishful.

2008-05-18T12:17:00.000-07:00

some dreams don't come true.
rainbows, don't always bear gold at their end.
sometimes the matter's "see through".
translucent, so never will it transcend.
nostalgia's not the cure.
faces drift back into the horizon.
goodness becomes obscured.
wasted. that's what's become of time spent.
yet, for every dream smashed
and every delusion broken
all the feelings and movements dashed
not one word even spoken...
there is still a glimmer,
of a new wish, glowing from afar;
a mild-mannered shimmer.
so again, you place your dream upon a star.

The modeling world today...

2008-03-23T14:21:00.000-07:00

For those of you on modelmayhem.com- you are probably aware of the rampant TFP/TFCD debate.

My stance tends to fall on the unpopular side (as far as models go). I think TFP/TFCD is a privelege, not a right as a model. Perhaps I am a little old-fashioned. Maybe I am behind the times. Either way, I still feel there is a lot wrong with the modeling industry since the advent of internet modeling sites.

When I first became aware of the ability so sign up for modeling sites, admittedly I was excited. I thought "Wow, I can upload my pictures, write a little snippet about myself, and I will book work- and I can do it all for free!!!" You have to remember, when I first started modeling, being listed online was an expensive process (As far as I knew), you had to find an agency with a website, and they would post your photos and information, for a large fee. Luckily, my parents wouldn't go for that, so I never lost money on that venture. My initial thought process on modeling sites is exactly what's wrong with the industry today. I thought that maybe, possible I could get famous just by posting my stuff online.

Now you have thousands of girls, women- and in some cases children with profiles on multiple sites, claiming to be seasoned pros. That alone would not be so inherantly wrong- if they paid for pictures.

Let me take you back (sadly, not long ago) to about 1999 when I was first trying to get into modeling. I was about 14 years old, and very inexperienced. Obviously I was not going to book work right away. I began to build my portfolio. I luckily stumbled upon a photographer that only charged me for film processing ($75 a roll). I thought that was an amazing deal, and so did my parents. I shot with her several times, and paid every time. I had no problem with that- she was offering me a service- and as logic would dictate, I paid for that service.

No lets zoom back in to current day- new models, basically in them same boat I was in starting out, now have rates, and consequentially expect the photographers to pay. Let me ask this one question- what could someone inexperienced possibly offer any photographer career wise? It's not like beginners are pros in their field, so obviously they are not offering a legitimate service. Instead of paying photographers to improve their own books, they insist on being paid and keeping the same crappy snapshots in their portfolios.

I feel that before you can establish yourself in any career, you must research and gain experience. There are various resources online, there are land-based agencies that will tell you how it works, and there are many professional photographers that can help these models understand the industry. Yet they don't invest their time. How can you expect to get anywhere, in any career without experience and an investment of some sort? If someone wanted to be a doctor, per se, they would invest their time and money in going to college. Plain and simple.

Bottomline- clients pay photographers and models. Yes, sometimes photographers are the client- but the model will know that upfront- it is not their determination to make.

Of course, some models do, in fact, offer a servic- and become a commodity. Models who have a lenghty resume, are celebrities, have extensive dance or gymnastic history, or models who specialize in fine art modeling (to name a few) have a definitive service to offer, something that no just anyone can do, thus putting them in demand. Unless a model exhibits that she is a commodity, and not just some inexperienced newbie- they should pay a photographer to build their book, research and find what genre they fit into, and pursue an agency or find a way to book work freelance. That's just how it works.

If I am somehow wrong, please feel free to correct me. Otherwise, I hope I helped clear somethings up for people in the industry just starting out.

Draining the hate out of my system.

2008-03-22T00:01:00.000-07:00

I hate that I look like you.
I hate that my eyebrow raises the same way as yours.
I hate that I wont allow myself to be like you in anyway.
I hate what you did to me, and to my brothers who were too young to get it.
I hate your selfishness.
I hate your incessant need to drain all the happiness from the room.
I hate that people think I will be just like you.
I hate that you've disrespected everyone I love atleast twice.
I hate that those people still love you on some level.
I hate that you get everything for free, and never work for anything.
I hate that you have brought kids into this world, and forgotten them, when there are people out there desperate to have a family.
Most of all, I hate the fact that you were never a real mom.

Purpose... feedback wanted.

2008-03-21T22:35:00.000-07:00

For those of you who know me well, I like to discuss/debate matters of life. So I thought I'd try to initiate some intelligent discourse. If I get enough response, I'd like to continue these discussions on a weekly basis.
Something has been on my mind lately... the fact that life is finite. In my opinion, we all have a purpose, but I don't fully believe in fate anymore. So, that leaves the question- do we actually have a purpose? Or should our goal simply be to be at peace with ourselves? I'd really Like to hear everyone's opinions on this...

For you, Mother.

2008-03-21T22:34:00.000-07:00

Selfish is your nature
lies are your truth
for years I've been searching
just now I've found the root
my distaste for you is unrelenting
you're an illusion
my visions of you are descending
you're sheltered in darkness
i never was the light
everything you've ever done
was deliberately out of spite
you've exhausted my morals
and taken my trust
just to trade it in
for momentary lust
mind-changing chemicals,
taking peoples miracles,
pretending you're a hero,
we see through the veil-
you're nothing but a zero.
I can tell you now
I will tell you forever
I can't ever trust you, mother.
NEVER.

Charmed beyond recognition.

2008-03-21T22:33:00.000-07:00

I'm living the charmed life.
fantastic warmth fills my abyss.
I'm a wife
Can it please go on like this?
Love has never been this simple
I'm alive
tell me... where's the riddle?
I can thrive.
Not lonely... not empty.
I'm strong because of you
only you with me is tempting.
let it be just our love until time is through.

Aging -vs- Our inner child

2008-03-21T22:32:00.000-07:00

Getting older is such a weird thing. I mean, from like 13 years old on, our minds are already pretty much formed in terms of our ideals, goals, and expectations from life. Granted, those things gradually change as we grow further, but for the most part, we still have a lot of the same questions throughout our entire life as we did when we were young.
Meaning years are aging our bodies, but not necessarily all aspects of our minds. It's kinda sad how we are expected to (once adulthood is upon us) be immediately and completely mature. No time to "play around", no time to enjoy life. (I'm being a tad bit facetious here). I know adults still have fun, but not the same fun.
I think a lot of us "adults" are still youthful at heart. So why is our inner child being stifled? Perhaps I feel this way because I am in a gray area as far as age. I am an adult, yes- but I am still young in the eyes of the world. I find daily conflict within balancing the two. But why do I have to balance at all? Why can't I enjoy life with the passion and zest of a child? Is it not P.C. or something?
Another thing that I was curious about, is when do we start losing that sense of youth and again, why? Mind you, I am not talking physical youth, besides diet and exercise, you can't really prevent bodily aging. Psychologically speaking though, why are we sooooo serious as adults.
I feel that people who lead responsible lives, and take care of their business should be able to lead their lives as they please. As long as they don't harm or inhibit others in the process, of course. I feel that judgement is wrong. Granted, we all judge on some level- I don't think we can help it as a society- but for the most part, we should let others lead their own lives in peace. With that said... go to the park, watch a cartoon, buy some rollerskates... either way- I think we should all go and spoil our inner childs!
:)

my nostalgic drivelings.

2008-03-21T22:31:00.000-07:00

drifting
traipsing
moving away
from the life and times
of a beautiful day
when familiarity ruled
and strangers were vacant
when friends held true
and life was so fragrant
sometimes I long for moments of the past
and I forget to use my memories
to make it last.

not a friend.

2008-03-21T22:30:00.000-07:00

frustratingly predictable.
yea, that's real nice.
i guess i'm just forgettable-
someone for whom you don't think twice.
even when there's urgency...
there's darkness where you stand
you seem to have no empathy.
yet you have all the demands.
i'm tired of wasting my energy
it's seems to be not worth it
you're destroying the synergy..
the pieces no longer fit.
it is time to embrace those that embrace me
and lose the ones who don't
it is now that I can clearly see
that you guys wont be there for me, no you wont.

The human psyche...

2008-03-21T22:28:00.000-07:00

will always amaze me.

How people can be so ignorant, enough so, to believe that there isn’t something bigger out there. That they are the epicenter of the universe. That their problems, beliefs, and successes are omnipotent.
Sadly, I’m not talking about just one person. I’m talking about a large mass of people. How can this be so, in a day and age where there is so much going on? We have war, strife, sadness, looming devastation. <-- Those are just the negatives. We also have sunrises to look forward to, love, humanity, miracles of nature and life. Surely one human’s existence can’t trump all those things, in addition to the things I haven’t mentioned.
We need to release ourselves from our selfish realities and open ourselves up to the universe. Only then can we see what is truly important.